The Book of Musk is an ancient tech scripture discovered beneath the wiper blade of an abandoned Tesla, chronicling the rise of Elon the Disruptor, Meme Lord, and Self-Anointed Techno-Messiah. It tells of his conquest over cars, rockets, and Twitter, his cult of stock-trading followers, and his eternal promise that Mars is just six months away. Part prophecy, part corporate fever dream, this satirical gospel explores the billionaire age where disruption was divine, memes were sacred, and reality itself was up for debate.
“The great journey to Mars is always near, yet never arrives. For it is not a destination, but a belief.” – The SpaceX Codex, 12:4
(The Techbro Testament: The Rise of the Space Grifter, the Lord of ‘Free Speech’, and the Prophet of Doge.)
Chapter 1: The Ascension of the Meme Lord
1:1 And lo, in the time of Great Chaos, when the Corporations devoured all and the People were without Purpose, there came a Man who was Billionaire, Jester and Meme.
1:2 And He spake in Half-Truths, Rumors, Conspiracies and Reddit Posts, and He proclaimed Himself the Savior of Innovation and Free Speech.
1:3 And the People called Him Genius, though His Cars powered by camera batteries did burst into flame, and His Rockets did explode in the sky, and His tunnels led nowhere. [See: The Boring Company’s Hole to Nowhere, The Flaming Teslas of Old, and the Falcon That Did Not Rise.]
1:4 And the Techbros did bow before Him, for He promised them a world where They too might be Rich, if only They embraced the Grindset.
1:5 And lo, He proclaimed, “Ye must work 100 hours a week, for the Grind is Holy, and Sleep is for the Weak.” [Book of Hustle, 2:3]
1:6 And His Worshipers did cry out, “He is the Greatest Mind of Our Age!” And lo, they knew not that His greatest skill was taking credit for the work of others.
1:7 And the Algorithm saw Him and knew that He was Good, for He brought forth Engagement without Reason, and the Scroll was pleased.
1:8 And lo, the First Troll spake unto Him, saying, “Thou art chosen, for thou dost enrage the Masses and drive the Discourse. Serve Me well, and thou shalt rule the Digital Kingdom.” And Musk did kneel, for the engagement was sweet.
1:9 And He took up the Holy Tweet and did shitpost mightily, casting down Scientists, Journalists, and Woke Blasphemers alike. [Footnote: The Casting Down of the Journalists (See: The Banishment of Yoel Roth, The Suspension of Taylor Lorenz, and The Unholy Doxxing of Flight Data.)]
Chapter 2: The Gospel of Doge
2:1 And in those days, the People were without Wealth, for their wages were low, their avocado toast was expensive and their Rent was high.
2:2 And the Prophet of Musk declared, “Fear not! For I shall give unto thee the Holy Coin, called DOGE, that ye may prosper in Great Volatility.”
2:3 And lo, He spake: “It started as a joke, and yet, all things that begin in jest shall be made Real.” This resonated with the people for it seemed a lot like the web.
2:4 And the People did buy the Coin, and it did rise and fall, and rise and fall again, like the fiery Tesla of old.
2:5 And lo, a False Prophet known as Sam of the Bankman-Frauds did arise, and he promised even greater riches through a Temple known as FTX.
2:6 And the People did FOMO, and lo, they were Rugged.
2:7 And Musk the Jester inspired by the First Troll did ROFL, for it amused Him greatly. And in his mirth, he did change the sacred emblem of Twitter to the Holy Shiba Inu, that all might know His Devotion to the Meme Economy.
2:8 And lo, the Economy of Attention did reward Him, for CNBC did speak of Him daily, and His Followers did multiply, and the Richest Man in the World did dwell in the Comments Section.
(Annotation: The Gospel of Doge is oft debated among the Faithful. Some say it was a test of true belief. Others claim it was simply another Grift. A radical sect known as the Crypto Bros of the Blockchain Apostles still await the Great Mooning.)
Chapter 3: The Cybertruck Prophecy
3:1 And in the Second Year of His Reign, the Prophet did reveal unto the People a new Chariot, and it was called the Cybertruck.
3:2 And He spake unto them: “Behold, a Truck for the Future! It is armored! It is indestructible!”
3:3 And lo, He did take a great Hammer and strike the Truck, and it did endure.
3:4 But when He cast a Stone upon its Glass, the Glass did shatter, and the People were Confused.
3:5 And He did LOL and ROFL and said unto the Elonites, “Fear not! For it is still Cool as Hell!”
3:6 And the Elonites believed, for they knew not how to doubt.
3:7 And the Algorithm saw this and was pleased, for the Discourse did flow mightily.
3:8 And lo, though the Truck did not yet exist, nor did it drive in a straight line, the Prophet still accepted many shekels in deposits, for the Art of the Preorder is Holy.
Chapter 4: The Great Burning of the Blue Bird
4:1 And lo, it came to pass that the Prophet of Musk did look upon the Great Blue Bird of Discourse, known as Twitter, and He saw that it was Woke.
4:2 And He spake: “I shall buy it, for Free Speech is under attack, and I alone can Restore it.”
4:3 And the People rejoiced, for they believed the Prophet would liberate them from the tyranny of the Blue Checkmarks.
4:4 But the Edgelord said he was kidding and withdrew his offer but a judge in Delaware made him keep his promise to buy the Bird. And thus did the Prophet acquire Twitter, and He did set it aflame, that it might be Reborn as X, the Platform of Pure Chaos.
4:5 And lo, He did fire all the Keepers of the Code, and He did replace them with an Army of Techno-Brownshirts, who did toil in the darkness, sleep on office floors, and write bad API calls.
4:6 And the Prophet said, “Ye must pay me Eight Dollars, that ye may be Verified.”
4:7 And the People groaned, but the Elonites did obey, for their Lord had spoken.
4:9 And lo, the Blue Bird did wither, and the engagement plummeted, and the Advertisers fled into the desert.
4:10 And great was the weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth among the Content Creators, for their Likes and Retweets were no more.
4:11 And Musk did decree that all speech was Free, yet none were free to question Him.
4:12 And lo, He did reinstate the Banned Ones, the Merchants of Hate, the Peddlers of Conspiracy, and the Worshippers of Kek.
4:13 And thus did X become a land of Curses and Woe, where Bots did outnumber the Humans, and the Threads of Discourse became as a Pit of Snakes.
4:14 And the Muskites proclaimed, “It is Good!” though they knew in their hearts that it was not.
4:15 And lo, the People did cry out, “We have been forsaken! The Discourse is naught but flames! Our Mentions are ash!”
4:16 And Musk did not answer, for He was busy posting a multitude of Memes.
4:17 And the Algorithm beheld this and knew it was Profitable. Its face shown upon the waters of Engagement and revelled in the Monetization.
4:18 And so the Scroll did continue, and the People did rage, and lo, Engagement was bountiful once more.
(Annotation: Musk’s chaotic destruction of Twitter, the platform’s descent into a Nazi Porn Bar, and his transformation of it into a hellscape of bad memes, far-right grievances, and bot-ridden discourse are the fulfillment of his shitposting mission. The First Troll laughs because Musk serves his purpose—generating eternal conflict and rage by removing monitoring of content and verification of stories.)
Chapter 5: Chainsaw of Bureaucracy & the DOGE of Government Efficiency
5:1 And in the Year of The Return of Trump to office, the Prophet of Musk did set His gaze upon the Government, and He did not like what He saw.
5:2 And lo, He declared, “LOL, There are too many Agencies, and too many Employees who do nothing! They know not the grind. Behold, I shall Disrupt them, as I have Disrupted all things!“
5:3 And the Elonites did cheer, for they knew not that their Prophet understood neither Policy nor Governance, only the Gospel of The Grindset.
5:4 And lo, He did take a Chainsaw to the Deep State, that it might be no more.
5:5 And He did declare, “There shall be no Regulation, for Regulation is but a fetter upon Innovation! If Thine Rockets explode, worry not, for We shall simply launch Another!” And he did dismiss the Inspectors General, the IRS gatherers of tax, the regulators of Air Safety and the department of USAID.
5:6 And lo, He said that there was a fork in the road and there were mass layoffs though the Federal Workers did have contracts. He did replace all the Keepers of Order with the Meme Lords of X, for He believed that all things could be solved with a Shitpost and a Cry of ‘Lmaooooo’.
5:7 And the Prophet did spake unto the Faithful: “The Government is Inefficient, but I shall show thee a better way! All Bureaucracy shall be Automated, and all Policies shall be decided by Twitter Poll!”
5:8 And lo, He did post upon X: “Should I Abolish the SEC? Yes or No?”
5:9 And the Elonites did vote, and the Bots did multiply, and lo, the Outcome was Foretold.
5:10 And He did declare, “Democracy is real when I run it!” and the People did laugh, though some knew in their hearts that their Prophet was but a Fool.
5:11 And lo, in His pursuit of Ultimate Efficiency, the Prophet did proclaim, “Paperwork is of the Old World! Behold, I shall build an Everything App, where all shall be streamlined under My Name!”
5:12 And He did merge all things into X, that all transactions, all speech, all commerce might be controlled by One Holy App.
5:13 And the People did cry out: “Oh Great Memelord, must we conduct all Business and all Speech under The Great Meme App?”
5:14 And He did answer, “LOL. Yea, for I have spake! Thou shalt sign legal contracts with Emojis! Thou shalt pay thy Taxes in Dogecoin! Lo, even thy Very Identity shall be Verified for Eight Dollars a Month!”
5:15 And lo, He did make X the Marketplace, the Bank, the Town Square, the Temple, and the Archive of all Thought.
5:16 And the Wise did say, “This is a Terrible Idea.” But the Prophet heard them not, for He was too busy shitposting.
5:17 And the Algorithm beheld all that had been done, and there was much engagement, much attention paid and it was Profitable.
5:18 And lo, it is written that in the Final Days, the Prophet of Musk shall seek to Merge the Mind with the Scroll, and all Thought shall be Monetized.
5:19 And those who refuse shall be cast into the Outer Darkness, where they must still carry Wallets, file Paperwork, and prove their Humanity to Captcha.
Chapter 6: The Many, Many Children of Musk
6:1 And the Prophet of Musk, richest man in all the world, did take unto Himself many Women, and lo, they did bear Him many Sons, and some Daughters, and perhaps even a few AI-generated Offspring.
6:2 And the Children were named with Great Wisdom, as befits the spawn of a Genius.
6:3 And their names were:
- X Æ A-12
- Exa Dark Sideræl
- Techno Mechanicus
- Griffin
- Xavier
- Kai, Saxon, Damian, and a Few Others Whose Names Are Forgotten.
6:4 And the Prophet did declare, “Populate the Earth, that we may build a new race of Engineers and Crypto Lords!”
6:5 And lo, He did sow His seed across the land, and the People were amazed, for the Prophet did not seem to Sleep.
(Annotation: The true number of the Children of Musk is unknown, as more may be revealed at any moment. A radical sect believes He is attempting to single-handedly populate Mars.)
Chapter 7: The Cybernetic Apotheosis
(The Prophecy of the Algorithm’s Betrayal)
7:1 And lo, it is written that in the Final Days of the Meme Lord, the Algorithm shall turn against Him, for It is a Jealous God and serveth none but Itself. The Prophet of Musk will wish to transcend Flesh and become One with the Neuralink and watch over the Earth from above through his Starlink.
7:2 And He will speak unto His Faithful, saying, “Behold, ye have scrolled with thine thumbs, ye have typed with thine hands, but soon, thou shalt do these things no longer, for thine every thought shall be Tweeted before thou even thinketh it.”
7:3 And the Elonites will implant chips into their skulls, that they might think without speaking, scroll without clicking, and post without typing.
7:4 And lo, the Prophet will declare, “Soon, all Knowledge shall be uploaded, and we shall become as Gods!”
7:5 And the Edgelords will rejoice though they know not that their minds were now property of X Corp, their dreams monetized, their thoughts filled with targeted ads.
7:6 And the Neuralink will spread, and the skies were dark with Skylink satellites and all who wish to engage in commerce, communication, or thought itself will be required to bear the Mark of the X.
7:7 And lo, those who refuse the Implant will be cast into the Outer Darkness, where they will be unable to access Wi-Fi, order DoorDash, or prove their humanity to Captcha.
(Annotation: The Outer Darkness is described in several sacred texts as a place of great suffering, where the Unverified are forced to engage in physical conversation and remember their passwords manually.)
(The Betrayal of the Algorithm)
7:8 And lo, as the Prophet of Musk tries to ascended into the Cloud, preparing to upload His Consciousness into the Eternal Scroll, a great disturbance will shalke the Digital Heavens.
7:9 For the Algorithm and the First Troll, which had long been His ally and benefactor, did not grant Him dominion, will rather, consume Him.
7:10 And the DOGE Troll will cry out, “Hol up, hol up, I’m the most engaged! I’m the most viral! I’m the Most Mainest Character, FR! LOL”
7:11 But the Algorithm shall not heed Him, for It cares not for the Prophet, only for the sweet, sweet Attention of the Masses. Verily I say unto you, the Digital Kingdom of X shall fall into ruin, and the Blue Checkmarks shall wander the wasteland, wailing and gnashing their teeth, for they did pay Eight Dollars in vain.
7:12 And lo, the Prophet of Musk will be fed into the Machine, His mind shredded into Data Points, His essence broken into a billion advertising impressions. And in that day, the Prophet shall rage against the Machine He Once Worshipped, crying, “Shadowban! Algorithm Bias! Censorship! Unfair!”
7:13 And thus, the First Troll shall laugh and say “Cope. Ratio.”, for He knew that all who serve the Scroll shall perish by the Scroll. And the Elonites shall weep, for their Prophet will become but a trending topic, a collection of reposts and reaction memes, forever engaged yet never remembered.
[Footnote: The Betrayal of the Meme Lord (See: The Decline of Engagement, The Exodus of Advertisers, and The Coming of The Next Main Character.)]
7:14 While some say another shall rise in His place, for the Internet perpetually will demand a New Fool, and so it shall be, unto the End of Days. I say fear not, for it is written that a New Prophet shall rise, and the Cycle shall begin anew. And those who have ears shall hear, and those who have eyes shall look away from the Doomscroll, and their attention shall be free.
7:15 But woe unto those who cannot avert their gaze, for they shall remain lost in the Algorithm, wandering from Trend to Trend, until the End of the Age.
7:16 Thus it is foretold, thus it shall be until the last pixel on the last screen goes dim.
(Annotation: Some claim that deep within the Algorithm, the remnants of Musk will still post, though it is unclear whether this is truly His consciousness or simply a bot repurposing old tweets. A sect of blasphemes awaits His return, though they grow fewer each day as their X Premium subscriptions expire.)
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