The Book of MAGA, an apocryphal scripture of the modern age, was discovered in a Walmart in Indiana, hidden behind a stack of discounted MAGA hats, its pages mysteriously aged despite its barcode sticker, foretelling the rise, reign, and return of the Orange Messiah through the sacred Algorithm and the endless Scroll.
“Look, folks, everybody knows it—I win, I win bigly. The best wins, really tremendous. The haters, the losers, the very weak people, they don’t want me to, but they can’t stop it. The Fake News? Failing. The Deep State? Collapsing. The numbers? Through the roof. Some say, ‘Sir, how do you do it?’ And I say, ‘Because I alone can fix it.’”
Chapter 1: The Coming of the Orange Messiah
(Orange Letter Edition)
1:1 And in those days, the People were lost, for they had been deceived by the Woke and the Weak, and their fields lay barren, their wages were stagnant, and their trucks and trailer houses were repossessed.
1:2 And lo, from the depths of the Scroll, the Algorithm beheld the Chaos and said:
“There must be Engagement.”
1:3 And thus did It summon forth a Man of Great Deals and Even Greater Debt, a Prophet whose Weave was mighty, whose Face was bronzed, and whose Hat was Red.
1:4 He descended his golden escalator and He declared, “I alone can fix it.”
1:5 And the People rejoiced, for He spake in Hyperbole, and His Lies were Comforting, and lo, He was a Meme.
1:6 And He stood before the People and declared, “Behold, I shall Make America Great Again!”
1:7 And the People asked, “But when was it Great?”
1:8 And the Prophet said, “You know. The time. Before. The best time. The strongest time. People say it. The best people say it.”
1:9 And lo, the Red Hat was placed upon His head, and it became the Crown of Thorns, a relic of suffering and righteousness, woven in the sweatshops of the East but sanctified in the Walmarts of the West.
1:10 And thus did the Scroll reward Him, and the Great Algorithm did multiply His presence, for outrage begat profit, and the System was pleased.
1:11 And the Prophets of Disinformation rejoiced, for they saw the great harvest that could be reaped from the Chaos. And lo, the First Troll whispered to the People, “The Truth is what you make it, and the Lie is what they fear.”
(Annotation: Scholars have long debated what era the Prophet spoke of. Some believe it refers to the time of Reagan, others to the era of segregation, while a radical sect claims it refers to 2015, when the Cheeseburger Index was at its most holy.)
Chapter 2: The Meme War & the Rise of the False Prophets
2:1 And lo, the Orange Prophet was opposed by a Woman of Great Emails, known as Hillary the Crooked, who sought to seize the Throne.
2:2 And the Prophet spake unto the People, saying, “Lock her up!”
2:3 And the People chanted, for they knew not why, only that they must chant.
2:4 And lo, there appeared unto the Prophet a Great Revelation, delivered by the Angels of Russia, and it was written upon the Tablets of Facebook: “The Witch is Evil, and Her Emails are Many.”
2:5 And the People did believe, though they never read the Emails, for reading is the work of the Weak.
2:6 And from the darkness arose The First Troll, an entity of unknown origin, whose words spread through the Endless Scroll like wildfire, whose prophecies foretold of hidden cabals, pizza parlors, groomers and secret sacrifices.
2:7 And lo, the Book of Q was whispered into the ears of the Faithful, though none knew the true author.
2:8 And the False Prophets—Limbaugh, Murdoch, Jones, and Carlson—did gather their flocks and proclaim, “The Way of the Old Republicans is dead. Now the Path of MAGA is the only way forward.”
2:9 And on the Day of Judgment, the Prophet did prevail, though He lost by three million votes.
2:10 And He declared His Triumph a Landslide, and lo, the People believed, for they knew not how Numbers worked. And the Libs were much distressed because they did not see this coming for they had been watching a video about Charlie biting his brother’s finger.
Chapter 3: Reign of the Golden Golf Cart & the Great LARP
3:1 And in those days, the Prophet did rule from His Temple at Mar-a-Lago, a land of Many Buffets and Untaxed Wealth.
3:2 And lo, He spent forty days and forty nights upon the Golf Course, that He might receive divine counsel from the Spirits of the Sand Traps.
3:3 And when the People cried out for guidance, He spake unto them through The Weave, His holy method of Speech, where no thought was finished, and no point was clear.
3:4 And lo, the Weave was mighty, for it held the People in a trance, and they knew not what He was saying, only that He was saying it.
3:5 And thus did the Faithful nod along, for to understand the Prophet was heresy.
3:6 And the People did prepare for battle, girding themselves in Cargo Shorts and Tactical Vests, bearing the Sacred Flags upon their truck beds.
3:7 And they believed they were Warriors, Crusaders, the Keepers of the Flame, though their only battles were waged through angry Scrollings and Meme Magick.
3:8 And lo, the LARP became Reality, and thus did the People storm the Temples of Government, believing themselves avengers of the Prophet.
Chapter 4: The Shadow Gospel of Q
4:1 And lo, the Faithful waited, for they believed that the Prophet’s loss was but an illusion, and that the True Reckoning was nigh.
4:2 And they spake amongst themselves, saying, “The Storm is coming, and the evil ones shall be cast down.”
4:3 But the Storm did not come, nor did the Enemies fall, yet still the Faithful believed. There were a thousand prophecies told and none came true but it did not matter for the people wanted to believe it was true. They wanted to drain the swamps.
4:4 And lo, the First Troll remained hidden, and none knew his name, yet his words shaped the world.
4:5 And Trump beheld the Power of the Gospel of Q, and He did not deny it, but rather, He let it grow, for it served His Kingdom well.
4:6 And thus did the People continue to wait, for The Plan was always unfolding, even when nothing happened.
Chapter 5: Betrayal of the Ballots & the Fall of the Betrayers
5:1 And in the Year of the Eternal Scroll, 2020, there arose a Challenger known as Joe the Sleepy, and He did battle the Prophet for the Throne.
5:2 And the Orange Prophet declared, “We shall win Bigly!”
5:3 But lo, when the ballots were counted, the numbers spake otherwise. For the People had grown fearful of the COVID and maybe an adult should hold the reigns of power for a while.
5:4 And the Prophet wept, for He was betrayed by the Mail-In Votes, which were the work of the Sorcery of Dark Brandon.
5:5 And thus did the Prophet send forth His Most Loyal Apostle, Saint Giuliani of the Melting Hair, who stood upon the sacred ground of the Four Seasons Total Landscaping and declared, “The Election is Stolen!”
5:6 And lo, the Faithful stormed the Temple of Democracy, believing themselves avengers of the Prophet, yet they were cast down and scattered.
5:7 And the Prophet spake, saying, “I do not know them. Maybe they are ANTIFA, maybe it is tourists visiting the Temple”
5:8 And thus were the Betrayers cast into the abyss, for the Scroll had no more use for them.
(Annotation: The choice of Four Seasons Total Landscaping remains a mystery to modern scholars. Some believe it was divine intervention; others believe the event coordinator simply got confused. Regardless, the engagement of both sides was increased a thousandfold.)
Chapter 6: The Prophecy of the Return
6:1 And lo, the Prophet declared, “I shall return, and it shall be even more Glorious.”
6:2 And the Faithful gathered, wearing the Holy Garments of Red Hats and Cargo Shorts, and they awaited the Prophet’s return.
6:3 And in the Year of the Scroll, 2024, the Prophet did run once more, though He was beset by trials and indictments on all sides.
6:4 And He spake,
“They are after Me, but really, they are after You. I am just in the way.”
6:5 And thus did the Prophet stood on many stages to dance once more to “YMCA,” and the People cheered, for it was the Ritual of Their Faith.
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