(Unearthed from a Sealed Soviet Bunker, stuffed into an empty vodka bottle. )
This lost scripture tells of Putin the Eternal—poisoner, propagandist, and last Tsar of the Meme Age. It prophesies his rise through fear and deception, his war against reality itself, and the day his myths of strength will crumble into memes of weakness.
Chapter 1: The Birth of the Iron Prophet
1:1 And in the cold and frozen lands of the East, where the Tsars once reigned, the commissars did purge and men drink vodka as water and bears are considered mere house pets. In these lands a new power emerged—silent, watchful, inevitable. He was a Man of Steel (not THE Superman, but of the KGB).
1:2 From the vaults of the KGB he rose, schooled in the arts of deception and the quiet removal of obstacles. And He was called Tsar Putin, the Shirtless, the Wrestler of Beasts, the Smiter of Dissidents, the Rider of Horses and Bears, and the ‘Eternal President’.
1:3 And from His youth, He learned the ways of Espionage and the Quiet Death, and He did rise through the Ranks of the State, whispering and eliminating until He sat upon the Throne. He knew that strength is not declared, but implied. That fear is a currency greater than gold.
1:4 And lo, the People did fear Him, for He spake little, yet His enemies did vanish mysteriously.
1:5 And His wisdom was cold, calculated, and unburdened by morality, and the Leaders of the West did laugh at Him, for they knew not His True Power.
(Annotation: The Doctrine of Eternal Rule “There shall be no successor, for I am Russia, and Russia is Me.” – Putin’s Re-re-revised Constitution, 1:1)
1:6 And thus did the Strongman smile, for He knew that the Weak always underestimate the Patient.
(Annotation 2: Some claim Putin was not born but forged in the depths of a Siberian bunker. Others believe He is merely an AI program left running since the fall of the Soviet Union. A radical sect claims He is Rasputin and has ruled Russia since before the time of Ivan the Terrible, shedding His mortal shell every 80 years.)
Chapter 2: The Black Art of Poison and Power
2:1 And lo, from time to time there arose those who spake against Him, saying, “Perhaps this is not such a Good Man.”
2:2 And He looked upon them and said, “Nyet,” and they did fall.
2:3 Some did drink Tea and perish, for it was filled with the Venom of the Kremlin.
2:4 Others did touch their doors, and lo, their bodies withered from unknown Toxins. Some put on their underwear and took ill while on an airplane. Some were on airplanes that fell from the sky in a fiery ball.
2:5 And yet others did fall from windows, even when the buildings were but one story tall.
2:6 And thus was it known that to oppose Saint Putin was to embrace the Inevitable Accident.
(Annotation: The Law of Silent Removal: “A man who vanishes is easier to forget than a man who is martyred.” – The KGB Codex, 6:3)
2:7 And the Western Leaders cried, “This is unjust!” but they did nothing, for their bellies were full of oil, and their banks were full of Rubles.
(Annotation: It is said that the Great Poisonings were merely coincidences, and that Saint Putin did not know of them. This is the official stance of the Russian Government, who will be happy to clarify further if you meet them near an open window.)
CHAPTER 3: GOSPEL OF CYBER WAR & GREAT SCROLLING (Restored & Expanded)
3:1 The old wars were fought with steel and fire, but the new wars would be fought with The Eternal Scroll—the endless algorithm, the great distortion of Truth.
3:2 And He saw that the world no longer cared for reality, only for what could be repeated.
3:3 And so He built an army not of men, but of machines—trolls and bots, whispers and misdirections.
3:4 And He sent them forth, saying, “Go unto the lands of Facebook, and Twitter, and Telegram, and YouTube, and whisper in the ears of the foolish, that they may turn against each other.”
3:5 And the fools believed, for they had been trained to trust The Scroll more than their own eyes.
3:6 And thus, reality itself fractured, and He did rejoice, for a divided people cannot stand against Him.
(Annotation: The Power of the Algorithm: “Let them argue, and in their fighting, they shall forget who profits from their war.” – The Digital Apocrypha, 8:43:1)
CHAPTER 4: THE INVASION OF THE GOLDEN FIELDS
4:1 And He cast His gaze upon Ukraine, the golden wheatfields of the empire lost, and He did frown.
4:2 And He proclaimed, “These lands were once Ours. They shall be Ours again.”
4:3 And He sent forth His legions, saying, “This is not an Invasion, but a Special Operation.”
4:4 And NATO and the West did watch and say, “Surely this shall end in mere days, for Russia is mighty and Ukraine is small.”
4:5 But lo, Ukraine did not kneel, nor did its cities crumble. And they stood on the shores of Snake Island and gave the warships the finger.
4:6 And its leader, Zelensky the Unyielding, stood before the people, saying to the West, “I need Ammunition, not a Ride.”
4:7 And lo, the Internet did create many Memes, showing that the Russian Army did not conquer but rather steal washing machines and run out of gas. And the West sent missiles and clouds of drones did rain hellfire down upon Putin’s troops.
4:8 And The Scroll, which He had once commanded, turned against Him, for it is written: “He who rules by the Algorithm shall be undone by the Algorithm.”
(Annotation 1: The Law of the Memes: “A tank may be powerful, but a meme will outlive it.” – The Prophecy of Cyberwar, 10:2)
(Annotation 2: The Endless War Machine: “A battle that feeds The Scroll will never end, for war brings clicks, and clicks bring profit.” – The Lords of Attention, 3:7)
(Annotation 3: Some historians claim that Putin’s downfall began when He underestimated the Internet. A radical sect believes He thought the Ukrainian President was still a mere Comedian and not, in fact, an Unshakable War Leader. Others argue that Putin simply did not update His intelligence files after 1991.)
CHAPTER 5: THE TAMING OF THE ORANGE BEAST
5:1 And lo, in the West, there arose a Man of Great Ignorance yet Unmatched Influence, and He was called Trump, the Loud, the Gullible, the Orange One.
5:2 He was not a man of cunning, but a man of unfiltered impulse, and thus, He was easily led. And Putin did look upon Him and laugh, for He knew this was a man He could control.
(Annotation: The Gullible King’s Curse “He who craves only adoration is most easily ruled.” – The Scroll of Manipulation, 3:14)
5:3 And He sent forth His Priests of Influence, and they did whisper in the lands of Facebook, saying, “The Witch is Evil, but the Orange One is Good.”
5:4 And lo, the People did believe, for they were simple and did enjoy shiny distractions.
5:5 And Putin did look upon His success and was shocked, for He had not expected it to work so well.
5:6 And He spake to His Generals, saying, “Surely they shall see through this? Surely they will realize the Manipulation?”
5:7 But the Generals shook their heads, saying, “My Lord, they are but Americans. They believe what they see on the Internet.”
5:8 And Putin did nod, for He realized that Truth no longer mattered, only the Algorithm.
(Annotation: The Holy Election Tampering of 2016 remains a point of dispute. Some claim it was a Grand Strategy. Others claim Saint Putin simply tossed a few memes into the ether and watched, amused, as they consumed an entire nation.)
Chapter 6: The Eternal Presidency & Prophecy of His Fall
(For though the Tyrant believes himself eternal, the Scrolls whisper otherwise.)
6:1 And lo, He who has ruled through fear, through poison, through The Scroll, and through the confusion of the people, sits still upon His throne, believing Himself untouchable.
6:2 For He has rewritten the laws, purged the disloyal, and declared Himself The Eternal President. He said unto his people “I am Russia and Russia is me”.
6:3 His image has been cast in iron, spread across the land, sculpted into statues, painted upon banners.
6:4 And His scribes write of Him, saying, “He is Strength. He is Might. He is the Bear-Wrestler, the Horse-Rider, the Master of the Old and the New.”
6:5 And so the faithful of His empire bow, and the weak of the world tremble, for none dare to say otherwise.
6:6 Yet in the dark corners of the empire, a whisper begins to rise.
(Annotation 1: The First Doubts of the Faithful: “A ruler may command silence, but he cannot silence a thought. And when a thought spreads, it is stronger than any decree.” – The Scroll of Resistance, 4:3)
6:7 And those who whisper do say, “Why does He tremble? Why do His eyes shift? Why does He build bunkers, if He is unshakable?”
6:8 And though He commands the Scroll to drown out these whispers, to bury them beneath new lies, still they return, for the Algorithm is not loyal to any king.
(Annotation 2: The Scroll’s Betrayal: “He who creates the Scroll believes he commands it. But the Scroll serves only itself, feeding on chaos, growing from conflict, and never satisfied.” – The Book of Digital Dominion, 6:11)
PROPHECY OF THE SAVIOR
(For among the people, a new voice shall rise.)
6:9 And it is written that in the final days of His rule, when His strength is but an echo and His terror but a memory, a new one shall arise.
6:10 This one shall not come clad in gold, nor armored in riches, nor anointed by power.
6:11 They shall not ride horses nor wrestle beasts, nor claim divine right, nor be sculpted in stone.
6:12 They shall come not as a conqueror, but as a voice of Truth and mankind will be reconciled.
(Annotation 3: The One Who Shall Break the Cycle: “A throne may be taken by a sword, but an empire can only be undone by an idea.” – The Codex of Rebellion, 5:2
6:13 And they shall say unto the people: “Have you not lived in fear long enough? Have you not bowed low enough? Have you not given your labor, your silence, your lives?”
6:14 And the Russian people, long silent, shall listen.
6:15 And in their hearts, a great fire shall be lit—not of war, nor of bloodshed, but of something more dangerous to tyrants: Awakening.
(Annotation 4: The Tyrant’s Greatest Fear: “A man oppressed will suffer in silence. But a man who has seen the truth cannot be silenced again.” – The Lost Texts of Revolution, 9:7)
MEMES OF POWER SHALL BECOME MEMES OF WEAKNESS
6:16 And lo, the Image of the Iron One, once mighty, shall be turned against Him.
6:17 His great legends, once tales of Strength, shall become jest.
- No longer shall He be the Great Rider of Horses, but a feeble figure upon a tiny mule.
- No longer shall He be the Wrestler of Bears, but a frail old man, clinging to his chair.
- No longer shall He be the Eternal, but a relic, out of time, out of place.
(Annotation 5: The Death of a False God: “A man who is feared is powerful. A man who is mocked is finished.” – The Prophecy of the Last Meme, 11:4)
6:18 And the young ones, the ones who have only known life under His shadow, shall no longer fear to laugh.
6:19 And He, who had once commanded armies, shall find that He cannot command the laughter of the people.
FINAL DAYS OF THE IRON ONE
6:20 And in these days, the walls of the Kremlin, though thick with stone, shall grow thin with doubt.
6:21 And among His most trusted men, among those who have long sworn loyalty, there shall arise whispers of fear.
6:22 And the faithful of His court shall say: “If He is so strong, why does He not show Himself? If He is so mighty, why does He lock Himself away?”
6:23 And the murmurs shall become voices, and the voices shall become plans.
(Annotation 6: The Tyrant’s Curse: “He who rules by loyalty alone will one day find himself without it.” – The Book of Fallen Empires, 7:12)
6:24 And the day shall come when the people shall rise, and the walls shall crumble, and the throne shall stand empty.
6:25 And the faithful shall proclaim, “It has been written: No ruler is forever. No lie is eternal. No tyranny can survive the laughter of the people.”
FINAL PROPHECY: THE IRON ONE’S LAST THOUGHT
6:26 And in the final hour, when the empire crumbles and the banners are torn down, the Iron One shall sit alone.
6:27 And He shall look upon the images of Himself—
- The Horseman,
- The Bear Wrestler,
- The Warrior Eternal
6:28 And He shall whisper to the darkness: “Was it ever real? Or was I merely the last meme of a nation that had already moved on?”
(Annotation 7: The End of an Era: “All things pass. Even iron rusts. Even legends fade.” – The Final Scroll, 13:9)
Leave a Reply